Arbinger Canada Contemplates In-A-Box Products

Recently, at Arbinger Canada, we have been wondering what products we could put in a box to help you stay out-of-the-box. We are aware that not everyone can attend a seminar, nor is everyone enthusiastic about blogs and online forums. Yet we get the sense that there are many of you that would appreciate having new ways to learn about, be reminded of, apply, and share the liberating concepts, ideas, and principles that Arbinger provides. We hear the stories about the positive impact these things are having in individual lives and within homes, organizations and communities and we want to be able to support that responsively. So we are asking for suggestions or requests. What tools or products would most help you learn about, understand, remember, and live an out-of-the-box way? Please email ideas to info@arbinger.ca.

We also regret to announce that Facilitator Training has been postponed until further notice. Please watch our website for developments.

Pulling the Wool Over Our Own Eyes

When you were a kid, did you ever play "opposite"? You know, when yes meant no, up meant down, and "be quiet" meant "shout at the top of your lungs". I can remember playing it with my siblings. We would repeat the reversals over and over, almost as if we were trying to convince ourselves that they were actually true. It turns out that years later, I still play a form of this game. Only it's not a game, it's my life, and I am often not even aware that I am doing it.

In Arbinger's books and seminars, this thing I do is known as self-betrayal and is defined as "an act contrary to what I feel I should do for another". It is an act I commit, not something that happens to me, and it is in opposition to what I feel I should really do. It's different than doing something contrary to what other people think I should do - these are expectations I have of myself. So how does it come about that I play this grown-up game of opposites and fail to live up to those expectations?

In his article "What We Are", Terry Warner (1999) tells a story about a young businessman named Marty who is awakened at 2:30 in the morning by his crying baby. His wife, asleep in the bed beside him, does not budge. What would you do? Marty relates this:

At that moment, I had a fleeting feeling, a feeling that if I got up quickly I might be able to see what was wrong before my wife would have to wake up...It was a feeling that this was something I really ought to do. But I didn't do it. I didn't go right back to sleep either. It bugged me that my wife wasn't waking up. I kept thinking it was her job. She has her work and I have mine. Mine starts early. She can sleep in. Besides that, I never really know how to handle the baby. Maybe she was lying there waiting for me to get up. Why did I have to feel guilty when I'm only trying to get some sleep so I can do well on the job? She was the one who wanted to have this kid in the first place.

Warner points out that Marty betrayed himself when he failed to do what he felt he ought to do. He writes that "(w)hether or not others expected him to share caretaking responsibilities with his wife, he expected himself to do it, at least on this occasion; it was his own expectation of himself that he betrayed." Interesting, perhaps, and maybe this story sounds familiar, but doesn't this happen to everyone? Isn't this normal? Everyone needs a break sometimes, right? Is it really that big a deal?

Well, if it was just about who tends the baby, it might not be a big deal. But notice what happens after Marty fails to do for his wife what he felt he should. Notice the excuses, the justifications, and the blaming form that they start to take. Notice who that blame is directed toward. This is part of what Arbinger calls being "in-the-box". How might this impact the way that Marty greets and responds to his wife the next morning? What emotions is he likely to carry with him to work? How might these things be received by his wife or his coworkers? How are they likely to respond? What ripple effects might occur among Marty's social circles and areas of influence? And how does all this compare to what Marty was thinking and feeling before he acted contrary to what he felt he should do? I can't speak for Marty but I know that when I have situations like his, what I think and feel after a self-betrayal is almost always opposite to what I thought and felt before it. And I will find myself back in that opposite game, repeating the reversal in my mind to convince myself that it is actually true.

Most of us have had experiences like Marty. Maybe we ignore a feeling to share helpful information with a coworker or walk past someone when we feel we should stop and ask how they are doing. Maybe, as a team or department we are frequently late with our expense reports despite knowing that it works best if we get the information to accounting early or on time.  Maybe we gloss over the feeling to speak a kind word to a moody teenager despite the messy room. Self-betrayals are very common. We simply invite you to notice how you generally come to think and feel about the people around you when you act on these thoughts and feelings and when you don't.  We think you'll find, like Marty, that a lot of the difficulty we experience at home, at work, or in the community stems from our self-betrayals. Alarming and troubling, perhaps,  but also hopeful. If I can self-betray, then I can also not self-betray. Arbinger has the tools and language to help. Contact us, we're happy to share more.

Also, consider joining us in our online community here where you'll find lots of places to discuss the implications and results of self-betrayal.

Arbinger Exercises
Adapted from 30 Days to Getting out of the box
by The Arbinger Institute

Finding an out-of-the-box place.

In our seminars, we learn that one of the important steps to getting out of the box is to find out-of-the-box places. When we are in the box, though, it can be difficult to identify them. So whether you are struggling with boxes at home, at work, or in your community, try thinking about these questions:

• Think of and identify people toward whom you are generally (and currently) out-of-the-box.
• Recall people who have been major influences for goos in your life and consider what they have meant to you.
• Recall occasions when people have shown you kindness - especially when you didn't deserve it.
• Think of and identify places or environments in which (or activities during which) you are often out-of-the-box.
  

As a preventative measure, incorporate these things into your life on a regular basis. We dismantle our boxes the same way we build them: one choice at a time repeated over time.